Outspoken Aunt Colleen

My friend Lisa has an Aunt Colleen who has no censor button.  Aunt Colleen says whatever she is thinking, and she says it loud.  It's kind of like watching a train wreck.  You want to look away, but you watch anyway in a kind of horrified fascination, because despite yourself, you want to hear what she is going to say next.   According to Lisa, Aunt Colleen has been "outspoken" her entire life and said whatever she wanted at every age.  Her very first words were probably "won't" and "stupid" and she most likely become fluent in most of the four letter words before she was five.  To hear her talk though, she never takes "The Lord's name in vain." so therefore, doesn't swear.  Every other four letter word though is fair game and has a popular place in her vocabulary.. 

The other day, Lisa, Aunt Colleen and I went to lunch at a neighborhood eatery and the following occurred.  We arrived at 12:00  and the place was hopping.  This annoyed Aunt Colleen right off the bat. "What the hell are so many people doing here?  Do you have a job?" She asked the  man in front of her. He looked surprised but nodded and added defensively, "I'm on my lunch hour." A look of displeasure then crossed his face as he realized he had justified himself to a complete stranger.  I wanted to say to him that Aunt Colleen has that effect on people, but I let it go.

Aunt Colleen is equally honest in her praise, but sometimes her praise is dubious at best. "You know, for somebody on the wrong side of forty, you really do have good legs. You're smart to wear a skirt here.  Better tips, right?" She actually winked as she said that to our waitress when we were seated after a ten minute wait.(during which she had sighed heavily and glared at people she thought weren't eating quickly enough to suit her) Then she followed that up with: "How's the fish fry today?  The last time I was here it tasted like sh*t!" When she said that, the woman at our neighboring table looked with alarm at her own newly delivered fish fry, and started poking at it with her fork.)

Our waitress handled Aunt Colleen well, despite the fact that Aunt Colleen  implied she was a floozie.  She had some experience handling cantankerous customers, and even gave Aunt Colleen back some of her own medicine. "I like her! We're giving her a good tip!" said Aunt Colleen happily when we received the bill.  Across the bottom was scrawled. "Thanks for coming in today.  It was my pleasure to serve 2/3 of you. Thanks for the compliment, I do have good legs, but  just so you know,  I'm only 37!"

Aunt Colleen was still laughing as she walked out the door. Even though she dishes it out, Aunt Colleen likes it best when someone gives it back.