Holiday Stress

 A few weeks ago, my friend Bonnie showed up at my front door with coffee and donuts from Tim Horton's and a horrified look on her face.  "Come on in Bonnie*, what's wrong?"   We settled in at the dining room table, and she said "My family is having a homemade Christmas this year."  Bonnie reached for a donut.  "Oh,  that sounds nice!"  I was relieved for a second, "Oh wait, do you have to cook?"  Bonnie looked at me with sad eyes. "Yes, and it's not allowed to be premade, store bought, or  out of a box.  They are doing this on purpose.  My family hates me! Especially my sister, Betty-Martha-Stewart!* This was her idea! She wants me to look bad again!"  She said bitterly as she brushed crumbs and powdered sugar off her chest furiously. For those that don't know, Bonnie could be a contender as the worst cook in the state, maybe even the country.

"Your family doesn't hate you."  I said automatically.. "I can help you with this.  We can find easy, foolproof recipes, and you'll be fine. What are you supposed to make?"  I smiled reassuringly.

"My assignment is a soup AND a dessert!  Everyone is bringing  soup and either an appetizer or a dessert, I got dessert.  How am I supposed to make a dessert that's not out of a box?  I didn't even know there was such a thing!"

We googled "easy soup recipes" and  "no bake desserts" (For those of you new to this blog, Bonnie uses her oven for storage) and came up with a game plan where she would only have to cheat a little. 

The party was over the weekend, so on Monday,  I called Bonnie to see how it went.  Bonnie sounded upbeat.  "It started out bad because I forgot to plug in the crockpot."(I had let her borrow mine, and had explained what it was, and how it worked.)  We had planned a fool-proof  spicy tomato soup where basically, everything was dumped in to the pot, heated, and then garnished with tortilla chips.  "Oh" I said "You mean when you got there?"  "No" she said, "I mean I forgot to plug it in period. It worked out though,  because everyone started dipping their chips into it right away. They just  thought  I made a ton of salsa. My nephew even asked for the recipe!" Bonnie marveled.

 "Well, hey  that's just great!" I said, "and the dessert?" We had come up with a trifle recipe.  This is where we cheated with a store bought angel food cake.  We decided that nobody would call her on it, and that actually baking something was too risky. We couldn't chance burning down her house during the Christmas season.  Bonnie said,  "Well, I decided to double up the whipped cream, because who doesn't like whipped cream, I probably should've beat it longer because it was a little watery, but I was getting so tired of stirring! "Did you use mixer?" I asked. "No. What's that?" Bonnie asked.  "Never mind, go on." I said.  So Bonnie continued. "So then,  I also decided to put it all together ahead of time, so I wouldn't need to bother with it once we were at the party.  I stuffed it in the refrigerator as soon as we got there and figured it would be ok."   I mentally groaned.  "How did that go?"  I asked.  "Great!" she said enthusiastically.  They thought I made  dessert soup on purpose!" Bonnie paused to take a breath, and then continued.

"Betty made a  flaming baked Alaska in the shape of a Christmas Tree! She was pissed because everyone  seemed to like my dessert more, or maybe the were just tired of her showing off all the time! Betty made us turn off all the lights when she brought her dessert out!  They said I was clever to make an appetizer, soup, and a dessert in two dishes.  They didn't know I had screwed up everything!"  Bonnie sounded so happy!

this is how Bonnie's trifle was supposed to look

"I'm sure Betty wasn't mad." I said.  Betty is usually a very nice woman. I'm friends with her too.

"Really?" said Bonnie "On our way out,  Betty said "Wow! Nice Job. What made you think to put cold salsa in a crockpot?" she said it kind of snotty, so I got a little flustered and told her it was your idea."

"And there's more." said Bonnie. "They want to do this again next year! I told Bobby* (her husband) that we're going on a cruise instead! I'm not going through this stress again! I really don't know how people do this every year!"




*not their real names

Fussy Eaters

I was a fussy eater growing up.  I remember sitting at the dinner table for four hours once, because I refused to eat brussels sprouts.  They had an unfortunate way of floating to the top of the milk glass, which was one of my usual ways of hiding food I wouldn't eat, so I was busted.  Dad said I had to sit there until I ate them.  I don't remember exactly how the standoff ended, but I know I didn't eat the damn things. 

Top view of a Brussels sprout in milk

Side view. See how it floats?

The list of foods I didn't like and wouldn't eat was endless. I threw out countless sandwiches in the school cafeteria, because my mother seemed to think I would suddenly eat meatloaf or liverwurst or tuna salad when she wasn't looking. I was perfectly content drinking my milk and eating my one piece of fruit, if I liked the kind she gave me, and the snack pack pudding that was always also included.

To say that I would eat "if she is hungry enough" didn't work in my case, and I was perfectly healthy on my diet of pudding and grapes.  As a result, I was fine giving my own daughter peanut butter sandwiches, no jelly,  every single day for lunch when she was in elementary school.  I often pulled my hair out trying to come up with dinners she would eat, but I understood.  Today as a college student,  she eats many, many things she wouldn't eat when she was younger.  I take no credit for that. I eat a lot more foods now too, except I still won't touch a meatloaf sandwich. I think people will try things when they're ready, or........

Which brings me to today.  My friend Brenda called me in a panic.  "We've been invited to dinner at an Indian restaurant by Dan's boss, so we have to go! I've heard it's so spicy, it'll blow the top of my head off!  And what if I accidently order goat, or mutton, or is that the same thing?  See I don't know!" Brenda was almost crying.

"Relax Brenda."  I said soothingly.  "First of all, the menu is in English, so you can't accidently order goat.  Also, you know I love Indian, so you might too.  Just order any chicken dish, mild.  It's comes with a side of rice and order some naan.  That's Indian bread and it's delicious.  I think you're going to love it, but just in case, toss a can of snack pack pudding in your purse, and you'll be just fine."

Naan

Leftover Turkey

Thanksgiving is over and by now, some of us are sick of thinking up inventive ways to use up the turkey.  We've had turkey soup, turkey sandwiches, leftover turkey and stuffing, turkey tacos, turkey pot pie, turkey divan, and reread the "inventive dinners for leftover turkey" tips  on the internet many times. (turkey/tuna casserole anyone?)

The question is, why don't we just buy smaller turkeys?  People love turkey leftovers, but they love them the next day, not a week later when they are still chiseling meat off the dried out turkey carcass.  Even the dog is starting to refuse turkey.

 
 
 
 
 
 

 So next year, I'm not going to double the turkey size vs. the guests number, that is suggested on the Butterball hotline. I'm going to buy just what I think I need.  But, then again, I  probably won't.  I'll probably be heaving a 24 pound turkey for 12 into the oven again.  I will however look for one with at least three legs. That way, we can avoid the embarrassing arm wrestling and pinches under the dinner table, that occurred this year, but that's a story for another day.

Kitchen Gadgetry

I like to cook. I like taking advantage of the wonderful foods and stores we have here in the western New York area.  As a result, I have a lot of kitchen supplies and utensils, not all of them are practical.
I tried to open the junk drawer the other day to throw in another menu but it was crammed with so much stuff,  it stuck.  I either had to clean it, or start another junk drawer somewhere else.  I couldn't find a spare drawer anywhere, so I was forced to clean it.    In the process I found some unusual kitchen utensils I forgot I had.  I found a melon baller my daughter and I used to make a melon display for the Fourth of July one year.


Notice the two sizes, capable of varied ball sizes.

  We had made a watermelon, cantaloupe and honeydew melon ball tray from some great melons we found at the North Tonawanda Farmer's Market. The hardest part was making sure they didn't roll all over the place.  It hasn't been used since, but remembering those balls made me want to keep it.  I found a herb cutting roller my mother- in-law gave me. I honestly don't know why herbs need their own roller cutter, but some ingenious inventor marketed one and my husband's mother bought it.  I kept it because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.  Enough time has passed that I am sure she has forgotten about it and won't say "Hey, where is that handy herb roller I gave you?"  I threw out 37 menus, the herb roller, old ticket stubs from 1995, baby pictures I no longer recognize, and 700+ twist ties and an unidentified key. Once I realized that  I was able to close the drawer again, I was done with the cleaning thing,  but it started my thinking about kitchen gadgets and their uses.  A quick look around the kitchen revealed a panini/waffle  maker that we used once, a fondue pot also used once and a pickle crock that we use to store newspapers that my husband saves for when he lights up the grill chimney for the Weber in the summer. If I ever decide to make pickles, they'll probably be loaded with ink residue.  We also have an ice cream scoop in the shape of a cow. It's heavy metal and works really well for it's intended purpose, so I'm keeping it.

Anyway, I got to thinking about kitchen gadgets and decided to google "unusual kitchen gadgets" to see the possibilities. What I found made my melon baller look downright sensible.

In less than five minutes I found the following:

 

 

I should call my friend Bonnie. I found this handy inflatable turkey.  She could pass this off to  her family on Thanksgiving. She would surround it with Stovetop Stuffing and dump a jar of gravy over it.  "The turkey tastes like plastic again Mom!"

 

 

 

And a revealing cake topper that if someone chooses to use, might want to think twice about going through with the wedding.

 

 

A cheese slicer in the shape of a camera. "Say cheese"

 

 

 

A microwave S'more maker

 

 

 

And last but not least, this oldie but goodie.  No matter what side of the political spectrum you fall on, who wouldn't think Hillary capable of cracking a few nuts?

 

 

 

 

Over the summer,  my friend Barb, originally from the area, but now living in New England,  came for a visit.  When I asked what she wanted to do while she was here, she said "Eat! I want  all the great food I haven't had in forever!"  We started with lunch at Ted's on Sheridan Drive.  She ordered a foot long hot dog with everything, a large order of fries ("You should get onion rings.") and a large loganberry.  Barb is 5'7, and has never weighed more than 120 pounds. She has to explain to people that she "suffers" from an over-active thyroid. " I have to drink a milkshake every night, just to keep  weight on!"  Barb never receives sympathy for her condition.  Mostly people just want to scratch her eyes out.

Barb ate everything at Ted's,  including most of my onion rings.  She drank down her extra side of hot sauce and said. "Wow. this is sooo good.  We don't have good hot dogs where I live, and can you believe they have never heard of loganberry?"




On our way out, Barb squealed loudly and pointed. "Is that Paula's Donuts?"  I explained that the popular donut shop had relocated to Tonawanda.  "We have to go there right now!" she exclaimed and jumped into the car for the quick drive across the street.  Paula's as usual was packed, which gave her a chance to exclaim over everything.  "Oh wow, a red velvet donut, I just have to try that, and of course the peanut sticks, and the....... . How many should we get?" she asked.  "We didn't have dessert. I'll get us a box."  On our way out to the car, I nodded down the street, and joked, "Hey look. Anderson's is right there.  Maybe we can wash all this down with a beef on weck!"  "Oooh, that sounds good!" she scrubbed the confectioners sugar off her chin. "Let's go there for dinner!"


A few days later, Barb headed home.  Her car was packed with boxes and coolers.  Her haul included Platters chocolate, Watson's sponge candy, Frank's hot sauce, Weber's horseradish mustard and dill pickle relish. She had Sahlens hot dogs and  chicken wings from Duff's.  Another box had Wegmans fruit spread, biscotti from Dicamillo's, Chef's spaghetti sauce, and a spatula in the shape of a Buffalo.  I had gained five pounds and Barb had lost three. ("it was all that walking!" she complained)  We'd had a great visit and both of us were reminded about how much good food there is to be had in WNY.

WNYfood: Adventures at Wegmans

WNYfood: Adventures at Wegmans: My friend Bonnie, has a twenty something son, who recently moved into his own apartment.  Let's call him Sherlock. Yesterday, Sherlock c...

Adventures at Wegmans

My friend Bonnie, has a twenty something son, who recently moved into his own apartment.  Let's call him Sherlock. Yesterday, Sherlock called his mom for some advice.  He said, "Hi Mom!   Tyler ran over a rabbit this morning on his way home from work, and he wants to make chili or something out of it." Tyler is Sherlock's roommate.
"What?" Bonnie was horrified.  "Is this a joke?"
"No Mom, I'm serious.  I know you're an awful cook, but we didn't know who else to ask.  You might have a cookbook around someplace, right? And before you say anything, I know they have rabbit on the menu at some fancy restaurants!"
"Sherlock, for god's sake! I don't think you two should be cooking and eating road-kill! I highly doubt that restaurant's serve highway accidents on their menus!  And no, I don't have any cookbooks that have  rabbit recipes."  Actually, she only has one cookbook called "Duncan Hines and You".  It was printed in 1958.
"Never mind Mom.  Tyler's googling it now.  He says we're going to make stew."
"Well make sure he googles "rabies" and "wild rabbit diseases" while he's at it.  I don't think this is a good idea!"
"Mom, I'm sure that boiling the rabbit will kill any germs it has.  We're off to Wegmans! Thanks!"

Bonnie received this picture and a text a little while later.

The text said " LOL. I wonder who's it is! And why is it spotted?  Hahaha." .


And then, a few minutes later.

 "Wegmans has everything!"

 

 

 

 

 

And after that:

 "Too bad Tyler didn't run over a couple of these!"

 

 

 

And then finally:

"This looks like those meatballs you tried to make once! Somebody canned them!"

 

 

This morning, when she hadn't heard from Sherlock, she called to ask how the stew turned out.  "Oh, sorry. I thought you heard the fire alarm. (Sherlock and Tyler live around the corner.)  We made the stew, put it on the stove,  and then got distracted by the hockey game.  By the time we smelled it,  we burned a hole in the pot, and it made a mess all over the stove.  Mr. Moore ,the Fire Chief, says hello! He said my kitchen skills must be genetic. He said I should only cook things outside, like Dad, and only then, if I'm away from trees. Mr. Moore said its good that I have learned how to man a fire extinguisher early in life. I laughed and said that I've had my own since I was three.  There was no real fire though, just  tons of smoke!  And don't worry!  We ate.  We bought some subs at Wegmans just in case. See, I did pay attention to the important things!"