Bonnie's curse

Bonnie: "If I tell you something, are you going to make fun of me?"

Me: "Yes, but don't let that stop you."

Bonnie sighed: "I wanted to try cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year, like everyone else, so I thought I would work the kinks out and try a chicken first. So I did last night."

Me: "So, how did that go?"  I couldn't wait for her answer

Bonnie: "It started out OK.  I had a plan and I was pretty proud of myself, because I remembered to shave a half hour off the cooking time because I was going to cook a chicken instead of a turkey. To make a long story short, it came out shriveled and the stuffing was way too salty."

Me: "Go on."

Bonnie:  "It started to get bad when I saw what the inside of a chicken looks like.  That threw me.  Oh my god, it's gross and slimy! Why the hell are chicken hollow anyway?" she shuddered, remembering. "Oh and the Food Channel really should be more specific on what they mean when they say "season generously" with salt and pepper.  Apparently, it doesn't mean a handful!"

Me: I made sympathetic noises, but didn't want to interrupt.

Bonnie: "Anyway, I've given up that stupid idea about cooking for Thanksgiving. But that's not what I wanted to tell you.  What I wanted to tell you is that  this all started when I cooked my Barbie Doll!"

Me: "Wait! What?"  this was too weird even for Bonnie.

Bonnie:  "Well, I know that sounds crazy,  but when I was about eight, I melted off my favorite Barbie's face in  my Easy Bake Oven. I was trying to straighten her hair. Anyway all of my bad cooking experiences seemed to start right then. You know, it's kind of like our friend Olive, who never learned to drive, because the first time that she did, she drove through the front of a convenient store."

Me: "I thought Barbie already had straight hair." ignoring the other part of what she said.

Bonnie: "Yeah, well, I was eight.  Wait a minute, it wasn't Barbie either.  What's the name of Barbie's flat-chested friend?"

I had to think a minute.

Me: "You mean her little sister Skipper? Her hair was already straight too."

Bonnie. "Yeah! It was her!"

Me: "So your saying you can't cook because you accidentally melted your flat-chested Skipper doll, after trying to straighten her already straight hair in your Easy Bake Oven?"

Bonnie. "Wait, maybe it was Midge! Wasn't there another doll named Midge?"

Me: " If I were cursed by my favorite doll, I would make a point to remember which one it was!"

Bonnie: "Oh shut up! I knew I'd be sorry if I told you!"

Bonnie Discovers The Farmer's Market

I brought my friend Bonnie to the Farmer's Market on Saturday.  (I know, but she wanted to go  She read  about one in a " Martha Stewart magazine" at the doctor's office)  She became quickly fascinated by the different vegetables on display.  "Well, would you look at that!" she would exclaim, "What is that?" she would ask, pointing to an unfamiliar vegetable like a kohlrabi, a radish display or a bunch of beets.  "Oh, I know what beets are!" She said happily. " I've only seen those already sliced on a salad bar! This is fun!"  she had discovered a whole new world.  Bonnie was also offered many samples from the vendors and she ate a $2.50 breakfast sandwich.  "I'm getting full!" she said. "I found a new place for a cheap lunch!"  she said as she passed the hot dog seller, while she was still chewing her sausage and pickle samples. It was nine a.m..

"Look! Apples!"  she yelled when she saw something she recognized.  "Hey! Look! Cucumbers! I know what those are!"  They were actually zucchini, sitting next to some yellow squash. "Except, I wouldn't want those yellow ones.  They don't look done to me."  She whispered. "But don't say anything," as if I were going to complain to the farmer about selling bad cucumbers.

We left the market an hour later, loaded down with cherries, strawberries, red, yellow, and green peppers ("I didn't know they came in so many colors,  like M & M's" Bonnie said happily) romaine lettuce, a loaf of sourdough bread, some "fully cooked" sausage, (Bonnie had eyed the sausage vendor suspiciously when he said that, trying to decide if he was telling the truth or not.)  three kinds of cheese and a homemade blueberry pie.  Bonnie was happy.  "We are going to eat AT HOME tonight!  And I don't even have to think about cooking something!  Why haven't you told me about this before? We're coming here every week!"

Do Dogs and Restaurants Mix?

Summer is here which means sunshine and outdoor restaurant spaces. So, this leads me to a question.  What do you think about allowing dogs at outdoor restaurants in Western New York?  I have seen this in the Elmwood Village area of Buffalo, and I think it would be great!

Last summer, my family and I travelled to Portsmouth, New Hampshire where there are many outdoor restaurants, all of which allowed well-mannered dogs on leashes to sit closely to their owners.  The dogs we saw were all well-behaved and stayed near or under the tables where their owners sat.  Portsmouth is a popular tourist destination, and this seems to enable dog owners more flexibility if they can choose to bring the family dog on vacation.  It's also nice for the locals to be able to bring their dog(s) with them.  Many of the local shops had water bowls set out on their steps.  Portsmouth is a dog friendly town.

I'm also wondering if this was allowed, how are problems handled if they do arise?  I thinking about the dog owner that doesn't acknowledge that their little cock-a poo, "His name is Anderson Pooper!",  takes nips out of people any chance he gets.  "Oh, that's not blood, you silly!" they say.  Or,  thinking about my own slightly spoiled Shih Tzu, who has an annoying tendency to incessantly bark at people, other dogs and our mailman, Todd.  If she pulled that at a restaurant, I would pick her up and slink away in embarrassment, but maybe not everyone would.

I think most dog lovers would be open to this idea, but what about  non-dog people?  Would you find dining with dogs offensive?   Would it be off-putting if a dog ran up for a quick sniff, or had an sudden and inconvenient urge to scratch an indelicate spot? Of course, when your Uncle Henry does it, you would pretend that you didn't see him do it.  Would you do the same for a dog?

Outspoken Aunt Colleen

My friend Lisa has an Aunt Colleen who has no censor button.  Aunt Colleen says whatever she is thinking, and she says it loud.  It's kind of like watching a train wreck.  You want to look away, but you watch anyway in a kind of horrified fascination, because despite yourself, you want to hear what she is going to say next.   According to Lisa, Aunt Colleen has been "outspoken" her entire life and said whatever she wanted at every age.  Her very first words were probably "won't" and "stupid" and she most likely become fluent in most of the four letter words before she was five.  To hear her talk though, she never takes "The Lord's name in vain." so therefore, doesn't swear.  Every other four letter word though is fair game and has a popular place in her vocabulary.. 

The other day, Lisa, Aunt Colleen and I went to lunch at a neighborhood eatery and the following occurred.  We arrived at 12:00  and the place was hopping.  This annoyed Aunt Colleen right off the bat. "What the hell are so many people doing here?  Do you have a job?" She asked the  man in front of her. He looked surprised but nodded and added defensively, "I'm on my lunch hour." A look of displeasure then crossed his face as he realized he had justified himself to a complete stranger.  I wanted to say to him that Aunt Colleen has that effect on people, but I let it go.

Aunt Colleen is equally honest in her praise, but sometimes her praise is dubious at best. "You know, for somebody on the wrong side of forty, you really do have good legs. You're smart to wear a skirt here.  Better tips, right?" She actually winked as she said that to our waitress when we were seated after a ten minute wait.(during which she had sighed heavily and glared at people she thought weren't eating quickly enough to suit her) Then she followed that up with: "How's the fish fry today?  The last time I was here it tasted like sh*t!" When she said that, the woman at our neighboring table looked with alarm at her own newly delivered fish fry, and started poking at it with her fork.)

Our waitress handled Aunt Colleen well, despite the fact that Aunt Colleen  implied she was a floozie.  She had some experience handling cantankerous customers, and even gave Aunt Colleen back some of her own medicine. "I like her! We're giving her a good tip!" said Aunt Colleen happily when we received the bill.  Across the bottom was scrawled. "Thanks for coming in today.  It was my pleasure to serve 2/3 of you. Thanks for the compliment, I do have good legs, but  just so you know,  I'm only 37!"

Aunt Colleen was still laughing as she walked out the door. Even though she dishes it out, Aunt Colleen likes it best when someone gives it back.

Further Cooking Adventures With Bonnie

"I'm going to try cooking a ham for Easter." Bonnie said. "How hard can it be?  Did you know that hams are already cooked?  Which makes me wonder why people recook them, but whatever.  It's got to be better than the corned beef I cooked in the turkey fryer on St. Patrick's Day!"

Wait......what?  "You cooked a brisket in a turkey fryer on St. Patrick's Day?"  I asked.  "Why? And how did I not hear about this?"

"Well, we were hungry and in a hurry, and I didn't tell you because you know how you get about this stuff.  I didn't realize how long it takes to cook brisket the normal way and I wanted to hurry things along.   I had heard somewhere that food cooks really fast in those things.  And it was outside, so it seemed, well, safe.   I think I got a little snow in there, or maybe it was still frozen when I tossed the meat in, which I now know you're not supposed to do.  I kind of blew a hole through our neighbors shed, but it didn't start on fire or anything.  I do feel bad  about their dog, though."

"Oh my God! Did you kill their dog?" 

"No, of course not, but he was outside  when it happened.  He was doing his business next to the shed.  I'm guessing I really did hurry things along if you know what I mean! They had a hard time getting him to go outside for a few days, but he's better now. They can get him to go out again, but he won't go anywhere near what's left of the shed,  or our side of the yard."

"Yet, you are willing to try cooking again!"  I marveled, thinking about the Easter ham.

"Well, we did just go out and by a new oven, and we have a free ham that I won in a raffle.  That's were I got the brisket too and  I have to learn to cook sometime!  By the way, how do get  eggs into the boiling water without breaking them?  I thought you might help me color a few Easter eggs while I was at it this year too.  The last time I tried,  I had all kinds of eggs and shells floating around in the water, and the eggs that didn't break all had cracks in them."

Candy Bars for Dinner

In 1579, English pirates raided a Spanish ship.

  Upon finding it's cargo of precious cocoa beans they burned the whole ship.  They mistook the beans for sheep dung.






That would never happen today.


I have chocolate on my mind, because my friend Liz, who has a big sweet tooth,  called this morning to tell me she ate two Hersey bars and some chocolate covered pretzels for dinner last night. She said this was the first time, or maybe the second time,  she had ever done this. Liz is the kind that always wants to order dessert first when she eats in a restaurant. "What? It's the best part!" she always says.

We found  the above story on line because Liz asked for confirmation that chocolate was "some kind of fruit or vegetable, right?"  She was trying to justify her actions.

It turns out, according to the Internet, chocolate is really a seed. Liz figures that the chocolate may have had more nutritional value than the corn dogs she had fed her family a few nights ago, and maybe she's right. Especially, she said, because she had a glass of red wine to go with her dinner.

"All those antioxidants!"  Liz was getting into it. "Maybe next time I'll have an Almond Joy instead.  You know, for the coconuts and almonds.  Coconuts are great for you and so are Almonds!" 

Well, she's not wrong.

 

 

I did say that if she does this again sometime-she could really even things out by having a vegetable for dessert.  She said I was a buzz-kill.

February Grilling Weather

The cold winter this year is ridiculous!  You know it's cold when you open the back door to let the dog out and your nose immediately  freezes shut.  You then realize that your frozen nose has all been in vain, since the dog ran off and is hiding behind the couch. 

This weather has also been making me crave a hamburger in the worst way.  I don't want to brag, but there are no burgers in any area restaurants that are as good as the ones my husband makes.  (a few come close-Griffon Pub, Grover's and maybe a few others)  He takes 80/20 beef, seasons it inside and out and cooks it perfectly on the grill.  My favorite toppings go on,  he puts it on a brioche roll, and there is no better burger anywhere.  But this leads me to the cold weather winter problem.

This is our grill today

 

For some reason, I can't talk him into brushing this off, digging around it, and cooking on it.  He says he has more important things to do.  (notice the dog trails already dug out for our little Shih Tzu, when we can get her out from behind the couch?)


He says it's more important for us to be able to get the car out of the driveway,

but I'm not so sure.