Do You Miss Emeril's Bologna?

Food television has changed.  Early on there was Julia Child, followed by The Galloping Gourmet and others. Later, when the  Food Network started, you could tune in and get ideas on what to make for dinner.  You could learn new recipes by watching Mario.  He was fun to watch  despite his poor fashion sense.

Mario always wears these
 

  He would make homemade pasta look easy. And fun.



 Or you could watch Emeril bam! his way around a kitchen, while at least once, trying but failing to stuff an entire  bologna into an oven.  There was Paula cooking with butter, and the slightly pretentious, but likeable Barefoot Contessa cooking up gourmet dinners and ladies luncheons in her Hamptons kitchen, to name just a few.

Lately, though, Food Network is mostly contests instead of cooking.  If you ever need to make 750 cupcakes in an hour and a half, or if you have to make chicken noodle soup with one hand tied behind your back, or stir with a shovel, food television is for you.  If you want to make dinner using leftover fermenting salmon, cotton candy, dragon fruit and brazil nuts there's a show that'll help.

It seems as if food television has become a reflection of ourselves.  Many of us don't have the time to cook, and when we do, we are juggling soccer schedules, dance practices, music lessons and work schedules to fit it in.   These food contests are helpful after all.  How fast can you whip a corndog and pretzel dinner with pickles as the vegetable because you didn't have time to shop, (Guy's Grocery Games), and making dinner from what's  in the refrigerator.(Chopped)  I can also see that knowing  who has the best pizza  might come in handy when you're looking for new places to add to your speed dial.  (The Best Of..)





green vegetable
 

I for one though, look forward to the day that  Food Network goes back to real cooking, even if some of us don't have the time or the inclination to cook that way. Maybe, instead of being a reflection, they can show us who we could be, if we choose.  Television doesn't have to be about real life.  Just watch The Real Housewives of  New Jersey and you'll see that.

Bonnie Breaks Her Oven

My friend Bonnie called this morning, "My oven is broken. Want to come shopping with me to buy a new one?  The old one is a goner."

"Really? How do you know it's broken?" I asked.  Bonnie (for those that don't know)  is not a cook, and rarely, if ever, uses her kitchen. "And, are you sure you need one?  You'll save a ton of money if you just get a toaster oven."

"Ha, you're funny!" said Bonnie. "I do use it sometimes.  That's why it's broken, actually.  I went to reheat  pizza on my pizza stone, and the whole oven starting crackling and popping and gray smoke filled the kitchen! It smelled awful!"

"You have a pizza stone?" I gasped. The fire didn't faze me.  It had happened before.

"Yes, I got one for Christmas." Bonnie said impatiently.  "Will you come with me or not? We have to stop at the paint store too.  Bobby wants to repaint the kitchen ceiling to hide the scorch marks."

"Did you leave something in there with the pizza stone?"  I couldn't help it, I was giggling a little.

"Will you stop?  But yes, the firemen found something melted in the bottom. That's what stunk so bad.  Whatever it was shorted out the electrical system.  Even those burner thingy's on top don't work anymore. Do you want to come with me or..."  Bonnie got quiet all of a sudden.

"Bonnie, you stopped talking.  What is it?"

"I just realized what was in the oven." she answered slowly.

"What was it?" I was intrigued.

"I think it was my plastic baby Jesus!"

" Your what?? Jesus!"

"That's right."

"Well how did it get in your oven?  And how did you not see a plastic baby Jesus in there when you put in the pizza?"

"It  must have got jammed in the back.  And I hadn't put the pizza in yet.  I was preheating the oven first.  I tossed it in there a couple of days ago when company came over. It was sitting on the counter and I wanted it out of the way. I forgot to put it in with the rest of the Christmas decorations, so it wasn't put away yet." she explained as if  all of this was logical."

"So you broke your oven by baking a baby Jesus."  I marveled. It was wrong on so many levels.

"You make it sound bad. It's not like I did it on purpose!" Bonnie said defensively. "Are you coming with me, or not?" she snapped.

"Of course I'll come with you." I said. "Maybe we can still find a sale on Christmas nativity figures. You're going to need a new baby Jesus. We can get you an oven and hey, we'll skip the plastic and get a ceramic, ovenproof  Jesus this time. We can get them both, and the paint in one trip.  It'll be fun!" I was enthusiastic.

"I wish I hadn't told you." Bonnie complained. "I'm never going to hear the end of this!"

"Can I tell the  salesperson what happened?"

"I hate you. " said Bonnie.

Mayo vs. Miracle Whip

 Me:  "I know a lot of people love it, but, I'm not a fan of Chef's.  I guess I just don't like their sauce."

Friend: "What!  Are you crazy! Everyone loves Chef's!  How can you not like it?"

Me: "Whoa, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to insult them or anything.  I said I know a lot of people love Chef's.  They're just not MY favorite.  I know their spaghetti parm is very popular,  but it's just not for me."

Soon to be former friend:  "Well, that's just nuts.  Chef's is my favorite restaurant!  Spaghetti parm is the bomb! You suck!"
                 

Have you ever had a conversation like this?   Where it feels like you have hurt someone's feelings because you disagree on food choice?  Sometimes, you do have to be careful around this subject.  There are a few food choices that people are passionate about.  For example, there is the mayonnaise vs. Miracle Whip debate.  I have heard  people defend their choice for hours. For the record, I'm on the mayo team,  and only Hellmann's at that, but I do understand when someone likes Miracle Whip.  It's not their fault  really, they were just brought up wrong.


VS

 

Have you ever run into someone from Rochester who defends white hots?

I have, and it isn't pretty. If you're not familiar, white hots are some kind of goofy sausage they make there.  This person had the nerve to say that white hots are better than Sahlens hot dogs!

 

  I have never actually eaten a white hot, but I know they're NOT better.  That would be ridiculous.

Then there is the Coke vs. Pepsi debate. Or the Diet Coke vs. Diet Pepsi.  I could go on, but  I have just noticed a common thread with most of the food choices mentioned here.  They are terrible for you, and we shouldn't be eating (or drinking)  any of them. That won't stop the argument though.  I wonder which is worse, mayonnaise or Miracle Whip?  I think it's Miracle Whip......

New Year"s food traditions

My maternal grandmother ate  herring for good luck on New Year's Eve as I was growing up.

She got the idea from her mother, who had been born in Germany. where this was  tradition.   She would fish one or two of the silvery, slimy things out of the jar she brought every year, and swallow them down at midnight. "Icky Grandma!"  We would say "How can you eat that? It smells funny!"  We would then throw out the remaining fish around the fourth of July, which, I guess,  was also part of the tradition.

I got to thinking about New Year's food traditions and a quick google search indicated that the bison chip dip my family now eats is not one of the foods people eat traditionally.

Some that are include grapes.  In Spain people eat exactly twelve grapes at midnight. (a sour grape can indicate a bad month). People apparently eat all twelve grapes within the first minute.

I  wonder what happens if somebody has a coughing fit at say, grape eight, and can't finish.  Do they get really nervous when August rolls around?

Cooked greens are another big one in many cultures.  The greens represent money.  Hopping John is  common  in the south where some people need to eat one pea for each day of the year.  What if you cook up a huge pot for the family and are nine peas short?

In Turkey, people eat Pomegranates, Long Noodles are eaten in China and other Asian countries and Pork is popular in many countries.  The list goes on.

What traditions does your family follow?  Is it important to keep up these traditions, or to make your own?  Maybe the important part is just remembering those who introduced us to them in the first place.  I think next year I'm going to buy a jar of herring in honor of my grandmother. 

This is what we eat on New Year's Eve.  Filet, with mushroom sauce,  mashed potatoes and green beans. I don't know if it brings us luck and prosperity, but it tastes really good!
 

Holiday Stress

 A few weeks ago, my friend Bonnie showed up at my front door with coffee and donuts from Tim Horton's and a horrified look on her face.  "Come on in Bonnie*, what's wrong?"   We settled in at the dining room table, and she said "My family is having a homemade Christmas this year."  Bonnie reached for a donut.  "Oh,  that sounds nice!"  I was relieved for a second, "Oh wait, do you have to cook?"  Bonnie looked at me with sad eyes. "Yes, and it's not allowed to be premade, store bought, or  out of a box.  They are doing this on purpose.  My family hates me! Especially my sister, Betty-Martha-Stewart!* This was her idea! She wants me to look bad again!"  She said bitterly as she brushed crumbs and powdered sugar off her chest furiously. For those that don't know, Bonnie could be a contender as the worst cook in the state, maybe even the country.

"Your family doesn't hate you."  I said automatically.. "I can help you with this.  We can find easy, foolproof recipes, and you'll be fine. What are you supposed to make?"  I smiled reassuringly.

"My assignment is a soup AND a dessert!  Everyone is bringing  soup and either an appetizer or a dessert, I got dessert.  How am I supposed to make a dessert that's not out of a box?  I didn't even know there was such a thing!"

We googled "easy soup recipes" and  "no bake desserts" (For those of you new to this blog, Bonnie uses her oven for storage) and came up with a game plan where she would only have to cheat a little. 

The party was over the weekend, so on Monday,  I called Bonnie to see how it went.  Bonnie sounded upbeat.  "It started out bad because I forgot to plug in the crockpot."(I had let her borrow mine, and had explained what it was, and how it worked.)  We had planned a fool-proof  spicy tomato soup where basically, everything was dumped in to the pot, heated, and then garnished with tortilla chips.  "Oh" I said "You mean when you got there?"  "No" she said, "I mean I forgot to plug it in period. It worked out though,  because everyone started dipping their chips into it right away. They just  thought  I made a ton of salsa. My nephew even asked for the recipe!" Bonnie marveled.

 "Well, hey  that's just great!" I said, "and the dessert?" We had come up with a trifle recipe.  This is where we cheated with a store bought angel food cake.  We decided that nobody would call her on it, and that actually baking something was too risky. We couldn't chance burning down her house during the Christmas season.  Bonnie said,  "Well, I decided to double up the whipped cream, because who doesn't like whipped cream, I probably should've beat it longer because it was a little watery, but I was getting so tired of stirring! "Did you use mixer?" I asked. "No. What's that?" Bonnie asked.  "Never mind, go on." I said.  So Bonnie continued. "So then,  I also decided to put it all together ahead of time, so I wouldn't need to bother with it once we were at the party.  I stuffed it in the refrigerator as soon as we got there and figured it would be ok."   I mentally groaned.  "How did that go?"  I asked.  "Great!" she said enthusiastically.  They thought I made  dessert soup on purpose!" Bonnie paused to take a breath, and then continued.

"Betty made a  flaming baked Alaska in the shape of a Christmas Tree! She was pissed because everyone  seemed to like my dessert more, or maybe the were just tired of her showing off all the time! Betty made us turn off all the lights when she brought her dessert out!  They said I was clever to make an appetizer, soup, and a dessert in two dishes.  They didn't know I had screwed up everything!"  Bonnie sounded so happy!

this is how Bonnie's trifle was supposed to look

"I'm sure Betty wasn't mad." I said.  Betty is usually a very nice woman. I'm friends with her too.

"Really?" said Bonnie "On our way out,  Betty said "Wow! Nice Job. What made you think to put cold salsa in a crockpot?" she said it kind of snotty, so I got a little flustered and told her it was your idea."

"And there's more." said Bonnie. "They want to do this again next year! I told Bobby* (her husband) that we're going on a cruise instead! I'm not going through this stress again! I really don't know how people do this every year!"




*not their real names

Fussy Eaters

I was a fussy eater growing up.  I remember sitting at the dinner table for four hours once, because I refused to eat brussels sprouts.  They had an unfortunate way of floating to the top of the milk glass, which was one of my usual ways of hiding food I wouldn't eat, so I was busted.  Dad said I had to sit there until I ate them.  I don't remember exactly how the standoff ended, but I know I didn't eat the damn things. 

Top view of a Brussels sprout in milk

Side view. See how it floats?

The list of foods I didn't like and wouldn't eat was endless. I threw out countless sandwiches in the school cafeteria, because my mother seemed to think I would suddenly eat meatloaf or liverwurst or tuna salad when she wasn't looking. I was perfectly content drinking my milk and eating my one piece of fruit, if I liked the kind she gave me, and the snack pack pudding that was always also included.

To say that I would eat "if she is hungry enough" didn't work in my case, and I was perfectly healthy on my diet of pudding and grapes.  As a result, I was fine giving my own daughter peanut butter sandwiches, no jelly,  every single day for lunch when she was in elementary school.  I often pulled my hair out trying to come up with dinners she would eat, but I understood.  Today as a college student,  she eats many, many things she wouldn't eat when she was younger.  I take no credit for that. I eat a lot more foods now too, except I still won't touch a meatloaf sandwich. I think people will try things when they're ready, or........

Which brings me to today.  My friend Brenda called me in a panic.  "We've been invited to dinner at an Indian restaurant by Dan's boss, so we have to go! I've heard it's so spicy, it'll blow the top of my head off!  And what if I accidently order goat, or mutton, or is that the same thing?  See I don't know!" Brenda was almost crying.

"Relax Brenda."  I said soothingly.  "First of all, the menu is in English, so you can't accidently order goat.  Also, you know I love Indian, so you might too.  Just order any chicken dish, mild.  It's comes with a side of rice and order some naan.  That's Indian bread and it's delicious.  I think you're going to love it, but just in case, toss a can of snack pack pudding in your purse, and you'll be just fine."

Naan

Leftover Turkey

Thanksgiving is over and by now, some of us are sick of thinking up inventive ways to use up the turkey.  We've had turkey soup, turkey sandwiches, leftover turkey and stuffing, turkey tacos, turkey pot pie, turkey divan, and reread the "inventive dinners for leftover turkey" tips  on the internet many times. (turkey/tuna casserole anyone?)

The question is, why don't we just buy smaller turkeys?  People love turkey leftovers, but they love them the next day, not a week later when they are still chiseling meat off the dried out turkey carcass.  Even the dog is starting to refuse turkey.

 
 
 
 
 
 

 So next year, I'm not going to double the turkey size vs. the guests number, that is suggested on the Butterball hotline. I'm going to buy just what I think I need.  But, then again, I  probably won't.  I'll probably be heaving a 24 pound turkey for 12 into the oven again.  I will however look for one with at least three legs. That way, we can avoid the embarrassing arm wrestling and pinches under the dinner table, that occurred this year, but that's a story for another day.