Bonnie's curse

Bonnie: "If I tell you something, are you going to make fun of me?"

Me: "Yes, but don't let that stop you."

Bonnie sighed: "I wanted to try cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year, like everyone else, so I thought I would work the kinks out and try a chicken first. So I did last night."

Me: "So, how did that go?"  I couldn't wait for her answer

Bonnie: "It started out OK.  I had a plan and I was pretty proud of myself, because I remembered to shave a half hour off the cooking time because I was going to cook a chicken instead of a turkey. To make a long story short, it came out shriveled and the stuffing was way too salty."

Me: "Go on."

Bonnie:  "It started to get bad when I saw what the inside of a chicken looks like.  That threw me.  Oh my god, it's gross and slimy! Why the hell are chicken hollow anyway?" she shuddered, remembering. "Oh and the Food Channel really should be more specific on what they mean when they say "season generously" with salt and pepper.  Apparently, it doesn't mean a handful!"

Me: I made sympathetic noises, but didn't want to interrupt.

Bonnie: "Anyway, I've given up that stupid idea about cooking for Thanksgiving. But that's not what I wanted to tell you.  What I wanted to tell you is that  this all started when I cooked my Barbie Doll!"

Me: "Wait! What?"  this was too weird even for Bonnie.

Bonnie:  "Well, I know that sounds crazy,  but when I was about eight, I melted off my favorite Barbie's face in  my Easy Bake Oven. I was trying to straighten her hair. Anyway all of my bad cooking experiences seemed to start right then. You know, it's kind of like our friend Olive, who never learned to drive, because the first time that she did, she drove through the front of a convenient store."

Me: "I thought Barbie already had straight hair." ignoring the other part of what she said.

Bonnie: "Yeah, well, I was eight.  Wait a minute, it wasn't Barbie either.  What's the name of Barbie's flat-chested friend?"

I had to think a minute.

Me: "You mean her little sister Skipper? Her hair was already straight too."

Bonnie. "Yeah! It was her!"

Me: "So your saying you can't cook because you accidentally melted your flat-chested Skipper doll, after trying to straighten her already straight hair in your Easy Bake Oven?"

Bonnie. "Wait, maybe it was Midge! Wasn't there another doll named Midge?"

Me: " If I were cursed by my favorite doll, I would make a point to remember which one it was!"

Bonnie: "Oh shut up! I knew I'd be sorry if I told you!"

Bonnie Discovers The Farmer's Market

I brought my friend Bonnie to the Farmer's Market on Saturday.  (I know, but she wanted to go  She read  about one in a " Martha Stewart magazine" at the doctor's office)  She became quickly fascinated by the different vegetables on display.  "Well, would you look at that!" she would exclaim, "What is that?" she would ask, pointing to an unfamiliar vegetable like a kohlrabi, a radish display or a bunch of beets.  "Oh, I know what beets are!" She said happily. " I've only seen those already sliced on a salad bar! This is fun!"  she had discovered a whole new world.  Bonnie was also offered many samples from the vendors and she ate a $2.50 breakfast sandwich.  "I'm getting full!" she said. "I found a new place for a cheap lunch!"  she said as she passed the hot dog seller, while she was still chewing her sausage and pickle samples. It was nine a.m..

"Look! Apples!"  she yelled when she saw something she recognized.  "Hey! Look! Cucumbers! I know what those are!"  They were actually zucchini, sitting next to some yellow squash. "Except, I wouldn't want those yellow ones.  They don't look done to me."  She whispered. "But don't say anything," as if I were going to complain to the farmer about selling bad cucumbers.

We left the market an hour later, loaded down with cherries, strawberries, red, yellow, and green peppers ("I didn't know they came in so many colors,  like M & M's" Bonnie said happily) romaine lettuce, a loaf of sourdough bread, some "fully cooked" sausage, (Bonnie had eyed the sausage vendor suspiciously when he said that, trying to decide if he was telling the truth or not.)  three kinds of cheese and a homemade blueberry pie.  Bonnie was happy.  "We are going to eat AT HOME tonight!  And I don't even have to think about cooking something!  Why haven't you told me about this before? We're coming here every week!"

Do Dogs and Restaurants Mix?

Summer is here which means sunshine and outdoor restaurant spaces. So, this leads me to a question.  What do you think about allowing dogs at outdoor restaurants in Western New York?  I have seen this in the Elmwood Village area of Buffalo, and I think it would be great!

Last summer, my family and I travelled to Portsmouth, New Hampshire where there are many outdoor restaurants, all of which allowed well-mannered dogs on leashes to sit closely to their owners.  The dogs we saw were all well-behaved and stayed near or under the tables where their owners sat.  Portsmouth is a popular tourist destination, and this seems to enable dog owners more flexibility if they can choose to bring the family dog on vacation.  It's also nice for the locals to be able to bring their dog(s) with them.  Many of the local shops had water bowls set out on their steps.  Portsmouth is a dog friendly town.

I'm also wondering if this was allowed, how are problems handled if they do arise?  I thinking about the dog owner that doesn't acknowledge that their little cock-a poo, "His name is Anderson Pooper!",  takes nips out of people any chance he gets.  "Oh, that's not blood, you silly!" they say.  Or,  thinking about my own slightly spoiled Shih Tzu, who has an annoying tendency to incessantly bark at people, other dogs and our mailman, Todd.  If she pulled that at a restaurant, I would pick her up and slink away in embarrassment, but maybe not everyone would.

I think most dog lovers would be open to this idea, but what about  non-dog people?  Would you find dining with dogs offensive?   Would it be off-putting if a dog ran up for a quick sniff, or had an sudden and inconvenient urge to scratch an indelicate spot? Of course, when your Uncle Henry does it, you would pretend that you didn't see him do it.  Would you do the same for a dog?

Outspoken Aunt Colleen

My friend Lisa has an Aunt Colleen who has no censor button.  Aunt Colleen says whatever she is thinking, and she says it loud.  It's kind of like watching a train wreck.  You want to look away, but you watch anyway in a kind of horrified fascination, because despite yourself, you want to hear what she is going to say next.   According to Lisa, Aunt Colleen has been "outspoken" her entire life and said whatever she wanted at every age.  Her very first words were probably "won't" and "stupid" and she most likely become fluent in most of the four letter words before she was five.  To hear her talk though, she never takes "The Lord's name in vain." so therefore, doesn't swear.  Every other four letter word though is fair game and has a popular place in her vocabulary.. 

The other day, Lisa, Aunt Colleen and I went to lunch at a neighborhood eatery and the following occurred.  We arrived at 12:00  and the place was hopping.  This annoyed Aunt Colleen right off the bat. "What the hell are so many people doing here?  Do you have a job?" She asked the  man in front of her. He looked surprised but nodded and added defensively, "I'm on my lunch hour." A look of displeasure then crossed his face as he realized he had justified himself to a complete stranger.  I wanted to say to him that Aunt Colleen has that effect on people, but I let it go.

Aunt Colleen is equally honest in her praise, but sometimes her praise is dubious at best. "You know, for somebody on the wrong side of forty, you really do have good legs. You're smart to wear a skirt here.  Better tips, right?" She actually winked as she said that to our waitress when we were seated after a ten minute wait.(during which she had sighed heavily and glared at people she thought weren't eating quickly enough to suit her) Then she followed that up with: "How's the fish fry today?  The last time I was here it tasted like sh*t!" When she said that, the woman at our neighboring table looked with alarm at her own newly delivered fish fry, and started poking at it with her fork.)

Our waitress handled Aunt Colleen well, despite the fact that Aunt Colleen  implied she was a floozie.  She had some experience handling cantankerous customers, and even gave Aunt Colleen back some of her own medicine. "I like her! We're giving her a good tip!" said Aunt Colleen happily when we received the bill.  Across the bottom was scrawled. "Thanks for coming in today.  It was my pleasure to serve 2/3 of you. Thanks for the compliment, I do have good legs, but  just so you know,  I'm only 37!"

Aunt Colleen was still laughing as she walked out the door. Even though she dishes it out, Aunt Colleen likes it best when someone gives it back.

Further Cooking Adventures With Bonnie

"I'm going to try cooking a ham for Easter." Bonnie said. "How hard can it be?  Did you know that hams are already cooked?  Which makes me wonder why people recook them, but whatever.  It's got to be better than the corned beef I cooked in the turkey fryer on St. Patrick's Day!"

Wait......what?  "You cooked a brisket in a turkey fryer on St. Patrick's Day?"  I asked.  "Why? And how did I not hear about this?"

"Well, we were hungry and in a hurry, and I didn't tell you because you know how you get about this stuff.  I didn't realize how long it takes to cook brisket the normal way and I wanted to hurry things along.   I had heard somewhere that food cooks really fast in those things.  And it was outside, so it seemed, well, safe.   I think I got a little snow in there, or maybe it was still frozen when I tossed the meat in, which I now know you're not supposed to do.  I kind of blew a hole through our neighbors shed, but it didn't start on fire or anything.  I do feel bad  about their dog, though."

"Oh my God! Did you kill their dog?" 

"No, of course not, but he was outside  when it happened.  He was doing his business next to the shed.  I'm guessing I really did hurry things along if you know what I mean! They had a hard time getting him to go outside for a few days, but he's better now. They can get him to go out again, but he won't go anywhere near what's left of the shed,  or our side of the yard."

"Yet, you are willing to try cooking again!"  I marveled, thinking about the Easter ham.

"Well, we did just go out and by a new oven, and we have a free ham that I won in a raffle.  That's were I got the brisket too and  I have to learn to cook sometime!  By the way, how do get  eggs into the boiling water without breaking them?  I thought you might help me color a few Easter eggs while I was at it this year too.  The last time I tried,  I had all kinds of eggs and shells floating around in the water, and the eggs that didn't break all had cracks in them."

Candy Bars for Dinner

In 1579, English pirates raided a Spanish ship.

  Upon finding it's cargo of precious cocoa beans they burned the whole ship.  They mistook the beans for sheep dung.






That would never happen today.


I have chocolate on my mind, because my friend Liz, who has a big sweet tooth,  called this morning to tell me she ate two Hersey bars and some chocolate covered pretzels for dinner last night. She said this was the first time, or maybe the second time,  she had ever done this. Liz is the kind that always wants to order dessert first when she eats in a restaurant. "What? It's the best part!" she always says.

We found  the above story on line because Liz asked for confirmation that chocolate was "some kind of fruit or vegetable, right?"  She was trying to justify her actions.

It turns out, according to the Internet, chocolate is really a seed. Liz figures that the chocolate may have had more nutritional value than the corn dogs she had fed her family a few nights ago, and maybe she's right. Especially, she said, because she had a glass of red wine to go with her dinner.

"All those antioxidants!"  Liz was getting into it. "Maybe next time I'll have an Almond Joy instead.  You know, for the coconuts and almonds.  Coconuts are great for you and so are Almonds!" 

Well, she's not wrong.

 

 

I did say that if she does this again sometime-she could really even things out by having a vegetable for dessert.  She said I was a buzz-kill.

February Grilling Weather

The cold winter this year is ridiculous!  You know it's cold when you open the back door to let the dog out and your nose immediately  freezes shut.  You then realize that your frozen nose has all been in vain, since the dog ran off and is hiding behind the couch. 

This weather has also been making me crave a hamburger in the worst way.  I don't want to brag, but there are no burgers in any area restaurants that are as good as the ones my husband makes.  (a few come close-Griffon Pub, Grover's and maybe a few others)  He takes 80/20 beef, seasons it inside and out and cooks it perfectly on the grill.  My favorite toppings go on,  he puts it on a brioche roll, and there is no better burger anywhere.  But this leads me to the cold weather winter problem.

This is our grill today

 

For some reason, I can't talk him into brushing this off, digging around it, and cooking on it.  He says he has more important things to do.  (notice the dog trails already dug out for our little Shih Tzu, when we can get her out from behind the couch?)


He says it's more important for us to be able to get the car out of the driveway,

but I'm not so sure.

Hot Dogs In Winter



The Niagara River in January. Pretty but cold.

By the time the end of January rolls around, many of us are ready for the end of winter.  Unless you're a skier or snowmobiler, or I suppose, a meteorologist transported from  Florida,  the snow, the ice, the just plain cold weather is getting tiresome by now.  I for one, don't need to see any more  anchormen and women (anchorpeople?) standing ankle or knee deep,  in snowdrifts reporting the conditions. "This cold front rolling down from Canada is making the drive home an adventure." they smile happily into the camera with an inch of snow crusted on their shoulders, icy earflaps dancing in the 25 mph wind. Film footage of cars sliding sideways down 190 off-ramps play behind them. "This wind is making it feel like -6 today! Brrrrrrrr! Don't drive too fast like these folks, and dress warm!" as if people would trudge out in their bathing suits without that advice. People start to be less friendly.  The lack of vitamin D  makes everyone cranky.

I spend too much time on the computer playing candy crush and liking things on facebook and I start being mean to my husband.  That's why he was relieved the other night when I looked up happily from the computer and said, "Look! There's a group on facebook called Hot Dog Nation!"   To me, nothing says summer more than hot dogs.  

This is a picture from a recent visit to Ted's

They're one of my favorite foods, and here is a group who agrees with me.  Hot Dog Nation is a group based on their mutual love of anything hot dog, from the NJ/NY/eastern PA area. They discuss anything hot dog.  They also charter a bus and do a hot dog tour every fall and some of it's members schedule weekly meetings at hot dog restaurants throughout the year.

The best thing about them is their sense of humor.  They post pictures of vending machine dogs, and taste test them for the group. They have friendly, tongue in cheek, discussions about the wrongness of ketchup on hot dogs, and discuss the merits of boiled, steamed, char-grilled or pan-grilled,  and they try hot dogs in the places they visit for work or vacations.  Anyone who loves hot dogs from anywhere is welcome to join.  Hot dogs, and friendly, fun people.  My favorite things.  It makes me feel warm and toasty.  It also makes me want to fly to New York or Newark and join them on their next tour.  I wonder if they'd mind if I snuck off for a slice or two of their other specialty, pizza.....

Do You Miss Emeril's Bologna?

Food television has changed.  Early on there was Julia Child, followed by The Galloping Gourmet and others. Later, when the  Food Network started, you could tune in and get ideas on what to make for dinner.  You could learn new recipes by watching Mario.  He was fun to watch  despite his poor fashion sense.

Mario always wears these
 

  He would make homemade pasta look easy. And fun.



 Or you could watch Emeril bam! his way around a kitchen, while at least once, trying but failing to stuff an entire  bologna into an oven.  There was Paula cooking with butter, and the slightly pretentious, but likeable Barefoot Contessa cooking up gourmet dinners and ladies luncheons in her Hamptons kitchen, to name just a few.

Lately, though, Food Network is mostly contests instead of cooking.  If you ever need to make 750 cupcakes in an hour and a half, or if you have to make chicken noodle soup with one hand tied behind your back, or stir with a shovel, food television is for you.  If you want to make dinner using leftover fermenting salmon, cotton candy, dragon fruit and brazil nuts there's a show that'll help.

It seems as if food television has become a reflection of ourselves.  Many of us don't have the time to cook, and when we do, we are juggling soccer schedules, dance practices, music lessons and work schedules to fit it in.   These food contests are helpful after all.  How fast can you whip a corndog and pretzel dinner with pickles as the vegetable because you didn't have time to shop, (Guy's Grocery Games), and making dinner from what's  in the refrigerator.(Chopped)  I can also see that knowing  who has the best pizza  might come in handy when you're looking for new places to add to your speed dial.  (The Best Of..)





green vegetable
 

I for one though, look forward to the day that  Food Network goes back to real cooking, even if some of us don't have the time or the inclination to cook that way. Maybe, instead of being a reflection, they can show us who we could be, if we choose.  Television doesn't have to be about real life.  Just watch The Real Housewives of  New Jersey and you'll see that.

Bonnie Breaks Her Oven

My friend Bonnie called this morning, "My oven is broken. Want to come shopping with me to buy a new one?  The old one is a goner."

"Really? How do you know it's broken?" I asked.  Bonnie (for those that don't know)  is not a cook, and rarely, if ever, uses her kitchen. "And, are you sure you need one?  You'll save a ton of money if you just get a toaster oven."

"Ha, you're funny!" said Bonnie. "I do use it sometimes.  That's why it's broken, actually.  I went to reheat  pizza on my pizza stone, and the whole oven starting crackling and popping and gray smoke filled the kitchen! It smelled awful!"

"You have a pizza stone?" I gasped. The fire didn't faze me.  It had happened before.

"Yes, I got one for Christmas." Bonnie said impatiently.  "Will you come with me or not? We have to stop at the paint store too.  Bobby wants to repaint the kitchen ceiling to hide the scorch marks."

"Did you leave something in there with the pizza stone?"  I couldn't help it, I was giggling a little.

"Will you stop?  But yes, the firemen found something melted in the bottom. That's what stunk so bad.  Whatever it was shorted out the electrical system.  Even those burner thingy's on top don't work anymore. Do you want to come with me or..."  Bonnie got quiet all of a sudden.

"Bonnie, you stopped talking.  What is it?"

"I just realized what was in the oven." she answered slowly.

"What was it?" I was intrigued.

"I think it was my plastic baby Jesus!"

" Your what?? Jesus!"

"That's right."

"Well how did it get in your oven?  And how did you not see a plastic baby Jesus in there when you put in the pizza?"

"It  must have got jammed in the back.  And I hadn't put the pizza in yet.  I was preheating the oven first.  I tossed it in there a couple of days ago when company came over. It was sitting on the counter and I wanted it out of the way. I forgot to put it in with the rest of the Christmas decorations, so it wasn't put away yet." she explained as if  all of this was logical."

"So you broke your oven by baking a baby Jesus."  I marveled. It was wrong on so many levels.

"You make it sound bad. It's not like I did it on purpose!" Bonnie said defensively. "Are you coming with me, or not?" she snapped.

"Of course I'll come with you." I said. "Maybe we can still find a sale on Christmas nativity figures. You're going to need a new baby Jesus. We can get you an oven and hey, we'll skip the plastic and get a ceramic, ovenproof  Jesus this time. We can get them both, and the paint in one trip.  It'll be fun!" I was enthusiastic.

"I wish I hadn't told you." Bonnie complained. "I'm never going to hear the end of this!"

"Can I tell the  salesperson what happened?"

"I hate you. " said Bonnie.

Mayo vs. Miracle Whip

 Me:  "I know a lot of people love it, but, I'm not a fan of Chef's.  I guess I just don't like their sauce."

Friend: "What!  Are you crazy! Everyone loves Chef's!  How can you not like it?"

Me: "Whoa, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to insult them or anything.  I said I know a lot of people love Chef's.  They're just not MY favorite.  I know their spaghetti parm is very popular,  but it's just not for me."

Soon to be former friend:  "Well, that's just nuts.  Chef's is my favorite restaurant!  Spaghetti parm is the bomb! You suck!"
                 

Have you ever had a conversation like this?   Where it feels like you have hurt someone's feelings because you disagree on food choice?  Sometimes, you do have to be careful around this subject.  There are a few food choices that people are passionate about.  For example, there is the mayonnaise vs. Miracle Whip debate.  I have heard  people defend their choice for hours. For the record, I'm on the mayo team,  and only Hellmann's at that, but I do understand when someone likes Miracle Whip.  It's not their fault  really, they were just brought up wrong.


VS

 

Have you ever run into someone from Rochester who defends white hots?

I have, and it isn't pretty. If you're not familiar, white hots are some kind of goofy sausage they make there.  This person had the nerve to say that white hots are better than Sahlens hot dogs!

 

  I have never actually eaten a white hot, but I know they're NOT better.  That would be ridiculous.

Then there is the Coke vs. Pepsi debate. Or the Diet Coke vs. Diet Pepsi.  I could go on, but  I have just noticed a common thread with most of the food choices mentioned here.  They are terrible for you, and we shouldn't be eating (or drinking)  any of them. That won't stop the argument though.  I wonder which is worse, mayonnaise or Miracle Whip?  I think it's Miracle Whip......

New Year"s food traditions

My maternal grandmother ate  herring for good luck on New Year's Eve as I was growing up.

She got the idea from her mother, who had been born in Germany. where this was  tradition.   She would fish one or two of the silvery, slimy things out of the jar she brought every year, and swallow them down at midnight. "Icky Grandma!"  We would say "How can you eat that? It smells funny!"  We would then throw out the remaining fish around the fourth of July, which, I guess,  was also part of the tradition.

I got to thinking about New Year's food traditions and a quick google search indicated that the bison chip dip my family now eats is not one of the foods people eat traditionally.

Some that are include grapes.  In Spain people eat exactly twelve grapes at midnight. (a sour grape can indicate a bad month). People apparently eat all twelve grapes within the first minute.

I  wonder what happens if somebody has a coughing fit at say, grape eight, and can't finish.  Do they get really nervous when August rolls around?

Cooked greens are another big one in many cultures.  The greens represent money.  Hopping John is  common  in the south where some people need to eat one pea for each day of the year.  What if you cook up a huge pot for the family and are nine peas short?

In Turkey, people eat Pomegranates, Long Noodles are eaten in China and other Asian countries and Pork is popular in many countries.  The list goes on.

What traditions does your family follow?  Is it important to keep up these traditions, or to make your own?  Maybe the important part is just remembering those who introduced us to them in the first place.  I think next year I'm going to buy a jar of herring in honor of my grandmother. 

This is what we eat on New Year's Eve.  Filet, with mushroom sauce,  mashed potatoes and green beans. I don't know if it brings us luck and prosperity, but it tastes really good!